Air Force officer gives difficult orders
I was responsible for issuing the orders to “neutralize” a target (read: kill a person) while I was deployed in Afghanistan. It always bothered me that I could never tell our military personnel who had to follow through with these orders WHY the actions were necessary— even though I had that information.
To be honest, having the info didn’t resolve the moral component of it, though. I mean, I knew that if we didn’t “neutralize” the threat, others would be harmed. In most cases, MANY others would be harmed.
But it still bothered me that—
- I relayed the command to kill someone, AND that
- I couldn’t explain the reasons why.
Then there was another layer added to all of this…
The Master Sergeant above me began “adding” people to the list— just to pad his statistics. He literally treated real life people (even some who weren’t known threats) like expendable commodities.
I reported it, but I don’t think it got very far.
I don’t know if they didn’t listen to me because I’m a woman, or because I was young (I was in my late twenties when this happened). Or maybe they just don’t want to deal with it.
Whatever the case, it was a weird season that I never saw as PTSD. But, I couldn’t figure out how to “sort it” and make sense of it until I heard about Moral Injury.
Talking about my struggle and getting the issue into the open helped a lot. It didn’t undo the events, but it did drain the guilt & shame away.
